1. I won’t eat cold beans from a can.
2. I won’t hide in the pantry when I lick icing off the beaters.
3. I won’t complain about audacious fast food. That would be lying.
4. I won’t condemn that new Friendly’s 1,500-calorie grilled cheeseburger melt — a burger encased in two grilled cheese sandwiches. They’ve installed defibrillators under the seats, worst-case-scenario.
• • • I wish I'd thought of it • • •
5. I won’t store a Snicker’s bar in my glove compartment to prevent starvation in case I’m stranded in snow or have to wait a long time at a red light.
6. I won’t buy canned frosting and ask my boyfriend to eat it while I watch.
7. I won’t substitute Spam for my Easter ham. Period. End of discussion.
8. I won’t serve poutine (more when you get to No. 13) to guests.
9. I won’t pry the lithium battery out of my Weight Watcher’s scale again this year.
10. I won’t buy peanut butter. Sorry. Scratch that.
11. I won’t eat peanut butter from a butcher knife. A bread knife is OK though.
12. I won’t promise anything I can’t do. So No. 2, the one about poutine, I’m having some second thoughts. Cooking Light has a great recipe for poutine, an ingenious French Canadian dish made of French fries, brown gravy and cheese curds. It’s a good workout for the heart muscle, I’m pretty sure. So poutine’s OK too.